


This is Just Damn Dandy!

by pretthvvs



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Ask to edit, Banter, Coffee Parties, HateShip, Lazy Work, Short Draft, Sirmoth, Valastor, Ventious, Virgin Shaming, moronsexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretthvvs/pseuds/pretthvvs
Summary: Brought back from demand. Sir Pentious gets a taught a lesson for being a pest. What a trio they are, Vaggie, Alastor, and Sir pent just bitching at each other and being coffee drinkers.
Relationships: Alastor & Vaggie & Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor & Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor/Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel), Sir Pentious & Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	This is Just Damn Dandy!

What was Charlie even thinking sending her with this eccentric man to the grocery store?

Babbling without a care in the world with a hop in his every step, Vaggie was not impressed at all with this situation, sulking all behind. A way to bond, Charlie said. Give it a chance, It will be fun!, she said. He can knock the smile off his face, for one. Would make her happier on the silly request to get more Popsicles and more. This was a trick, planned, and the little moth is not fooled. She was a moronsexual, a moron-chaser! Not a moron herself. Annnd....

"Vaggie, dear. Can you get any slower? You're holding up like a dog on a lease, hurry now!"

Still fucking dislikes Alastor. Distrust. Distaste. Dismiss. The list would go on on what she would feel and want to do. She'll even diss him in a rap battle if the time comes, radio demon or not he will feel her unadulterated wrath. Soon. Ironically, Alastor liked it, and would compliment her quite a bit for her main vice.

But that didn't matter right now. Rockyroad, or vanilla?

"Or maybe you need to slow down. I'll try to give enough of a fuck to listen to you, that said." Vaggie says, both fishing out her map and crossing her arms. "Alright, listen for the traffic light, uh... There's a left turn." Alastor's head is tempted to swivel back to her nonsense with puffed up stature.

"Do you even know where we're going?"

" _Do you?_ I have the map, shit-head."

"All covered in glitter, marker and bad scribbles, hmm?"

"Yep... That's my girl."

She has to admit, even though there would be no ashamed feelings- it softens her. These childish drawings are pretty cute.

"That being said, I'm leaving you to the popsicles only. You wouldn't do things without starting shit, I know that. I will carry the rest of the hotel items -AGh!"

And then she was smashed upside the head with a huge gear. Two of them, actually. Just her luck.

Alastor's attention is finally snapped away, enough to saunter back to her fallen position. Curiously.

"Oho? What has happened to you now?" Alastor tsks. Cue him brushing himself off, and one of the gears, and not helping Vaggie out. Was that intended? He was speaking to the gears. Her teeth grits. "Is it beginning to rain again!? I hate this..." Taking a closer look would show not. See, the gear also had a red, bulging eyeball on it, and it made a show at blinking at the both of them like some peeping-tom without a hint of shame. Suspicious. And though Vaggie said rain, direction says it came from over there then up there. Her more red co-manager immediately taken the investigation with only pursed lips in thought. Without her, and a single word, he squished between the buildings and went on his way.

Vaggie's 'X' eyeball was the first to take notice, to which the second eyeball snapped open just in time too to see him leave.

"Hey! Radiohead, where the hell are you going!?" She called. To no avail, but it was worth a try. Is he trying to make this harder then it already is? Stalling the minutes and making this bigger waste of time then it already is. Oh, and Charlie...wonder how'd she feel if one of the two end up missing--

Her thoughts are interrupted.

Alastor pops up and encourages her. “Oh hell no, don’t slow down now! Come on!”

Again, battling with whether this was a good idea, she follows. Just in time to see Alastor pointing downward with an eye-roll. Absurdly smug. “...Oh, pity. Well, it’s nothing more really, just a rather pathetic sight. Hah.” Vags quickly accompanies to see:

A nuisance trying to make his broken toys started back up. Sir Pentholeprudish himself, what a sight worthy scowling at... The one who threatened to burn down them and the hotel down? And then a hundred times more? It seemed it was going to be a recurring theme for the villain to appear.

Not for long, Alastor’s future would spell only chaos in store.

Once Vaggie connected the dots; him licking his wounds not too far, him already building more weaponry in design, him with his confidence still fully intact, for some reason, she utterly seethes. The obsessive urge to rip out her hair once hits her; and she wonders if it had something to do with mental disorder.

"Ugh! Please don't tell me you were planning another attack in the same day!"

Shamelessly: "Twice in a day, indeed! Thank you for your notice." He tightens his bowtie extra tight. As if this gig is a glow of pride for him, the mutiny--! To never leave them the fuck alone.

"Christ, do you ever give up? It's always you to sic revenge on that stupid puta or this shitlord right over here and... well I have half a mind to put you in the grave myself if you don't fucking stop it!"

"Oh, pleassse, misssy. I doubt you'd be a challenge without that angel's weaponry, and-" He briefly dodges the knife so close to hitting his body, so kind of a greeting Vaggie had-- to which he spat venomously, "Hey! Watch where you're swinging, girl!"

Al's eyes narrow. Sir Pentious, using his era's slang? "That's rather _cringe_." Not to judge. He rolls his eyes. Vaggie continues to argue, her arms waving expressively; "Oh please. It’s nothing you can’t come back to, regardless! You’re a true pest at its core that needs to get stay out of the vicinity of Charlie's hotel. Or else."

Fiesty lass, bold words. Just dying to get that last question out... Sir Pentious smiled. "Or else, what?" Emphasizing with his accent.

"Or else I'll--gghk!!"

"Hold on for a moment there," the radio demon crushed Vaggie in a side-hug, tapping his chin. He's always being interrupted- what would be the harm? (Right now, he wants to pay attention to the damage he'd done.) "See dear, it's rude not to marvel at the absurd amount of destruction I caused. Really did number on this old worm’s machine, didn’t I? Though for some reason, his confidence remains intact! Oho, how amazing. This is the second time today and I can't say it has been pleasure between the both of them, so..."

Now there's a thought! Setback his hard work with something more... hardcore. He quickly presents his idea by spreading out his arms, a joyous announcement. The gear that Sir Pentious stared at was thrown away.

"...I'd say you be better off dead."

Was Sir Pent hearing this correctly at all? Anymore then Vaggie, that is. It didn't get her to shut her up completely though. "What? Kill him? Why the hell-we're suppose to rehab these demons, grant them mercy! And other repenting and hopeful stuff." All in all, however, Vaggie is not so concerned over this asshole being out for awhile; not an once of sympathy. It's on him entirely for hurting Charlie before. Fuck him. After a moment of getting out of his grip, she waves a hand.

"So on and so forth, but. Whatever. This escalated quick but he--" She points to the donkey, "--can get it."

"Exactly! I knew you'd agree!" Alastor nods, pleased. "I always did wonder if the stupid shit you've done would finally cease. And it didn't. It's time for a vacation for all of us! Consider this a murder-mercy, and the shortest time we interacted!"

"Wait... can we settle this?"

Nope!

“Tsk, tsk. Indeed, I suppose the best thing to do in this situation is to put the poor Rumplesnakeskin out of his misery,” he fidgets with his sleeves nonchalantly. The decision is made. Why make a hopeful soul like him believe his inescapable failures of tyranning all of hell would stop, a fantasy to get off on, a hopeless dream? Charles could empathize, and then congratulate! Because there isn't a better death of a ~~bottom bitch~~ old dog being put down. “Oh and, Sir Pretentious-”

“just so you know, you have not a single one of my condolences.” A snap and salute! “Good sir!”

Panic pushed its way under the poor Sir serpent’s scales instantly the moment black tentacles busted out of the ground. Before he can start moving, even scream “Noooo!” while using Egg Boi #23 as a hapless shield, it was already too late. Read: Sir Pentious was gonna fucking die. And it was not going to be a song title. There wasn't even the honor of him finishing his latest invention to which he would show proudly.

It didn’t matter if it was temporary, the limbo was traumatizing, weird, and if his little minions somehow searched their hardest and found him, then it would get very annoying. He would have to swallow some for how clingy and ass smooching they can get.

He was not going to die. He did not want to. Gods, no.

“Wait! I’ll boost that hapless hotel up on Sinstagram! Let’s talk about this over a cup of coffee! A tea party, maybe!?”

Whoa. Now that's what they haven't expected at all. "Come again...?"

"Ahem.Your hotel, I presssume, is still yet to be positively introduced on social network, behind a few distasteful commentary... of course, with my knocking on death's door, I'll allow my dignity to go up in smoke for the sake of my life. Please. And you, the funny one," he rolled his eyes and tried not to do an obvious 'quote un quote' sign. "Wouldn't you want your lady friend to be overjoyed at the possibility of positive reception? Hmmmm?"

The Hazbin hotel workers are unimpressed. It was widely putative of him not having much dignity in the first place. Or atleast when the golden years of tinkering bullshit passed. But they, even Alastor, would love the thought of seeing Charlie squealing about like a fangirl having a chance pu tanging the not-so-secret people she admires. The radio demon looked upon his 'companion', as if in request- no, clearly in request. Childish as it was like he couldn't force the issue, but he done it anyway, curious for her opinion.

Vaggie then confirmed with a groan. The radio demon snapped his head back at Pennies and stepped forward.

"Ugh. Go ahead." Any audible breath Sir Pentious finally gets out of him is sucked back in, his shoulders scrunching up when Alastor closes in on him, tilting his head in elaboration. Pretentious predator. Sir Pen could do scarier when it came to swallowing his enemies whole.

" ...So the deal is signed?” He holds out a hand that lights up ominously, in green, as questioned. Whispered in excitement.

He gulps. Couldn’t have been less willing at the thought of this becoming un-mutual favor by the radio demon. He choked out.

“…No. No deals required, thank you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vaggie sips her coffee likes it’s something to be ashamed of, a slight grimace on every turn. The south american felt mixed feelings for it. As for Al, he had no complaints. Those were both lies when she piped up.

“-Ugh. Sir Pentious! This coffee tastes mediocre.”

“Mmm, I suppose it does remind me a bit of you. Could it be warmer?”

“I’ll suppose...HEY! When's the reception turning on, Pennies? How can you expect to carry on this onto social media if you don't even have WIFI?"

"When Sir Pen finally tunes in, shall we take selfies in break-neck pace? It could be fun."

"Yep. You're definitely old if you still think that's going on. As for 'break-neck'... Hope you snap your neck in the process. ---- Come to think of it, a beaten up Radio Demon in our promo will glories to attract the low-lifes in Happy Hotel. Have any say?"

"I say to be the hope you want to see in this hellscape darling, if you want to use me for your twisted propaganda, then follow through! I'm sure you're no petty threat. Certainly not when you fail to look any less pathetic then Pennies himself. Oh, and it's Hazbin hotel, not 'Happy'."

The table makes a harsh sound; Vaggie's arms slamming upon it, fingers clenching hard enough to crush steel. How dare he. Every word boiled under her skin like a stove, so it was inevitable to make a point. If only to cool. Again. "You don't want to get on my bad side, bub. Mark my words: I'll find a way to knock you off and you'll be sorry." Sadly, Alastor is unconcerned, nothing but a casual shrug on the weight of his shoulders, seemingly without any pressured worries to spare.

“If you want to be best enemies with me, say the word! And then your prayers when you evidently end up fucked. I am not something to be taken lightly Vaggie, my dear-”

Alastor shrugs, “Though why not? Your girlfriend is already my best friend in the department so it'll fit. Oh, what the hell, add another F in the equation! Charles seems to like me very much.”

“You're acting like you're in some sick meme...” She grumbled. Ridiculous. Hell, she’ll teach Sir Pent to make more so they can both laugh at him for once. The only F she'll give him. “And do not get your hopes up. Just because you did some funky jig it doesn't mean jack shit.”

"Oh, but I will! And it does. And I'm afraid constantly threatening me is just no way to go in your favor... No matter what, jealously, spite, rage, it looks good on you; your girlfriend doesn't even know how appealing it is to be at spear-point every hour! Haha, but I don't care, you little weakling. You'll grow tired of this. I'm afraid I still I have a long way to go before I find your little game more sad then boring."

"...Unless you have any other smart remark to keep at it, cross eyed?"

...Was that a way to call her stupid? Pure silence. It will be better not to engage. Vaggie scowled, but once again, let it go. Besides the marvel movie amount of snarky quips that could mistaken for good, friendly talk, Vaggie couldn’t find any luck in being buddy buddy with him like Charles has hoped. The only thing to do--lazily jab him verbally with if she couldn’t hurt him physically with her spear.

She can blatantly recall many conversations worthy of impaling him with her spear, one like, ‘–Do you even believe in it? As if redemption is possible festering in your fuck-it-all tough gal attitude! Why dear, I think even Charles doesn’t see it… Are you not tired, Vags?’ –and as expected, she almost flew herself into a rage. Almost.

Until it quickly settled into cool manipulation, that took her by surprise with how sympathetic it came across as. It was weird and… another bundle of emotion that Vaggie was not going to give a glimpse at. Either way. Fucking bastard.

The sound of loud tools interrupted their ending spat so it could start again.

“Will you two please silence yourselves?” Sir Pentious dragged his hands down his face. Two wires were on top of a box, sparks flying still. It did nothing bother him more then the bicker. “I am trying to repair things here! Going to continue to act like an old couple? It long lost its appeal, I’m afraid.” Bold words. Something Vaggie was meant to clap back to, which she does.

“Psh, yeah right. You’re one to talk.” Pause to absentmindedly swipe at her hair, and a seductive look soaks in her fiery, makeup worn glare: “Though, I don’t blame you...”

“...Urr. Pardon, dear?”

She’s getting sliiightly white lie-y now. Vaggie’s affection were truly exclusive, and once a pretty woman came by, the latter was always Charlie oogling, not Vaggie, that was needed to remember of the fact that she had a girlfriend. Vaggie was never quite gotten by looks alone and even less so for the potential of just steamy sex... now, Just sex? Yeah- nope!

Only a hassle. Fucking still.

“Pfft, c’mon, Pennies. We know you long enough, we see you. I would be surprised that you didn’t think your crushes were as bare as the shit in the streets of your era.”

There it was.

“U-uh, now wait just a damn minute you sapphic hooke-”

“-Oh! Let’s say, how you stutter and blush every time you catch sight of my little darling cleaning up of your ruined shitty contraptions…” He flutters his eyelashes excessively. “the woes of repressed virgins. Hah!”

“B-break your jaw you lousy yap! I– I haven’t even explained–”

“And the goo goo eyes you give Cherri Bomb everrrytime. You checking out her ankles, you naughty shit?”

“Alright, alright!” He hissed. “Enough. Shut it! As if your constant bicker couldn’t get worse--!” He bristled as well as a snake could, hood flaring before the sudden, emotional deflation. Nervous. But he pushed himself up as well as could, encouraging gestures and words.

“Forgetting the fact that you guys are presenting far more promiscuousness then I can imagine- please, I am a sir meant to provide, and the tension is steadily rising! Is this not a enjoyable little tea party? What else do my two new “guests”--” His eye twitches, though the quote un quote gesture is not used--- “need?”

The two Hazbins are silent.

If there’s one thing, it is a little bit airy. Without a doubt- there was not windows, closed doors, anything, considering the literal half of Sir Pentious’ Victorian blue-printed blimp was gone. A few quarters undone indeed, but no. That would be too obvious.

Sir Pentious sighed in either relief or exasperation. He knew it would come in handy.

Alastor tried to take the chance. “Maybe some better coffee, for o--”

“Ah! I suppose it would do well to spice things up, hmm? Egg Boi #23, bring in the hot dessert! Extra sauce! Some Latte on the side!”

Call the deviled egg and he shall come, the Egg Boi clumsily using those little leggies of his to scamper across the airy room for Sir Pentious 'special attack.'

“Here you go. Bossman made it with love!” It was actually the waiter who made it but- they didn’t need to know that. But the guests are not amused nor impressed.

A taco.

“What the fuck. _Is wrong with you?_ ” Vaggie's harsh response was truly brutal, but he couldn't careless for the less then received gift that he worked very hard for, to be frank.

Sir Pentious slowly, slowly, turned to face her. A shrugging expression before the look becomes dreadfully bored. “’Tis Taco Tuesday, Misss Vaggie. You of all people should know…”

It was a good thing he turned away cause his hood was nothing compared to Vag’s (albiet extremely tired) death glare. Al held his boisterous laughter behind a hand as her patience was being steadily broken.

And then it was. Slowly, Vaggie moves from her chair, and leaves with some grace. A flip of a middle finger would suffice alone to show how done she was- also casually tossing the few healthy Egg boi into a dead one. Fuck him.

Alastor took his leave as well, following after her and winking at Sir Pentious. By god, he's got it. He has an brilliant idea to keep him away from Charlie's hotel. For a while, atleast. What wonderful, charming meeting!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, it requires going up to Sir Pen's still destroyed home and bothering him like he had made a guide on how to seduce, a expertly written story of his time, famously known by a murderous radio host. He didn't, of course. But Alastor knew once talking about Pentious' crushes. He waved, and the snake startled.

"Pentious, little tip here, old man! I don’t normally give something so freely, nor do I really wanna to tryhards, but it is your lucky day today. From now on, you have somewhere to go to deal with being a sorry little virgin no more... Your ol Radio pal knows what to do to have you laid between the sheets! A little fuckin’ and no more cuckin’! Seduction is easy for me, if you can even call it that! Matter of fact, I remember forcing Stolkholm Syndrome on a lad back in ‘27, It was wonderful--!”

Sir Pentious begin to rip out the hood from his skull and felt the need to fucking die by an angel's weapon again.


End file.
